


plastic taste

by hendollana



Category: Big Bang (Band), GTOP (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, GTOP, M/M, Sad, au or canon you can decide, because im weak and need happiness, but also happy ending, but its okay, jiyong is sad mostly, seunghyun loves jiyong a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-27 00:58:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8381695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hendollana/pseuds/hendollana
Summary: jiyong is so much less than what seunghyun should have.orjiyong is sad and worries a lot and seunghyun is there to be the loving caring boyfriend he is and make jiyong feel better.lowercase intended





	

**Author's Note:**

> for something so short and in general not very good this took me.. way longer to write than id like to admit. i also highly overue use italitcs in this.
> 
> loosely based off plastic taste by joji, the 4 first lines are the lyrics of that song.
> 
> as always, for trish mostly.

_i can do this face to face_

_but i’ll admit that i’m afraid_

_let this romance go to waste_

_excuse me for my plastic taste_

jiyong knew, he _knew_ , that it couldn’t work out. it never could, relationships never worked out for jiyong, especially ones that were too perfect to be real. jiyong didn’t deserve happiness, the realness of it all came crashing down at once, like the happiness had been spinning around his head making jiyong dizzy and when he finally stopped spinning and really _looked_ for the first time, everything settled into its blurry, wrong place, and jiyong realised that he didn’t deserve seunghyun. seunghyun was the glass needle fixed into his arm giving him the much-needed joy filtering into his blood, but jiyong’s own blood was too bad, too impure, to be replaced with seunghyun’s smile and seunghyun’s laugh, seunghyun’s wonderful fucking laugh, and seunghyun’s kind words and reassurance. it was only a temporary fix to something unfixable.

jiyong couldn’t be the one to end it though, he could barely look seunghyun in the eyes lately without feeling some kind of guilt – it was _his_ fault, seunghyun needed so much more than him and it was _jiyong’s_ fault that seunghyun wasn’t receiving what he deserved – let alone utter some kind of classic, cliché break up line. ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ seemed the most fitting but jiyong would never use something that distasteful on someone like seunghyun, if he was going to do at least one thing right in their relationship, it would be to create the end of it.

he needed seunghyun though, jiyong needed seunghyun like seunghyun was oxygen and jiyong was on his final breath. seunghyun was his life support, keeping him alive when he should have pulled the plug long, long ago. surely everyone could see that seunghyun was way above what jiyong deserved, surely when people saw them in public they would have seen how disgusting, how ruined jiyong was compared to seunghyun’s true beauty, the glow he radiated that jiyong thrived off like a withering plant. jiyong didn’t think seunghyun needed him though, jiyong thought he was just a liability to seunghyun, only good for being fucked into a mattress (jiyong tried to forget the fact that seunghyun, no matter how rough, was always so caring when he was fucking jiyong and would always mutter praises in his ears afterwards), why would someone like seunghyun, so intelligent and funny and attractive, want someone like jiyong?

jiyong wasn’t sure how to bring up the topic though, seunghyun hardly knew the extent of jiyongs toxic thoughts. how was jiyong supposed to suddenly tell seunghyun that they _had_ to break up because jiyong was synthetic and seunghyun was the most natural thing in existence. he knew, deep down, that seunghyun wouldn’t let him go that easy. seunghyun _loved_ jiyong. jiyong just sometimes (most of the time) forgot that seunghyun loved him just as much as jiyong loved seunghyun. how could seunghyun love him though? jiyong was plastic; he was used and tossed around, he was easy to throw away, seen as an inconvenience to just be recycled, jiyong was the personification of something that only deserves a few minutes’ attention. seunghyun, on the other hand, was the world’s most precious gem stone; he was one of a kind, beautiful to everyone and not just the eye of the beholder, worth a fortune and truly unique. they were not made for each other.

jiyong had to end it nonetheless.

“is this how we’re meant to be hyung?” seunghyun looked up from the book his nose was currently buried in to see jiyong perched on the end of the sofa, his teeth ungracefully ripping parts of his nails off, looking anywhere but seunghyun.

“what do you mean?”

jiyong couldn’t find the words to explain, how was he supposed to sum up all the thoughts that had been swirling and resurfacing in his brain for months into a concise explanation? he looked up briefly, seunghyun was now sitting forward with his hands rested on his knees, looking at him with that look that expressed all his worry towards jiyong. it made jiyong even more speechless.

“just do you ever feel like you want, no, deserve more than me?”

seunghyun’s worried look was now amplified.

“jiyong? of course i don’t, i love you.”

jiyong groaned. seunghyun wasn’t getting it, of course he would say that he loved jiyong because he did love him, it was just the fact that he _shouldn’t_ love him. jiyong’s eyes now stayed firmly fixed on his index finger, the small amount of blood pooling in his cuticle was as interesting as seunghyuns book had been to him before jiyong disrupted his peace and tranquillity. he couldn’t look at seunghyun because if he did he would backtrack, he would give up on his plan of getting seunghyun to leave him because he’d see seunghyun’s deep brown eyes being clouded with worry, sadness and fear. and jiyong could not be the cause of that anymore.

“hey, whats wrong? talk to me jiyong. you _know_ that i’m always here for you, to listen to you and get rid of those silly doubts in your head.” seunghyun was now sitting next to jiyong, he spoke whilst lightly kissing jiyong’s messy mop of black hair.

they weren’t doubts though, they were truths. jiyong knew that, god he had known since the minute he had said yes to seunghyun taking him to some shitty cheap ramen restaurant that he wasn’t good enough for seunghyun. and that was over eight years ago. jiyong was happy though, of course he was happy with seunghyun, seunghyun could make the saddest of people happy with his boisterous laugh and warm smile accompanied with dimples that jiyong liked to kiss. but it wasn’t about jiyong’s happiness, it was about seunghyun’s. seunghyun couldn’t be happy with someone like jiyong, not when seunghyun needed so much more than what jiyong was. so no, they were not doubts running through jiyong’s mind.

“you don’t get it hyung, it’s not, fuck. it’s not like i’ve never had these thoughts before, they’re _all_ i fucking think about. how can you love me? when you deserve so much more? how can you fucking love me?”

seunghyun’s hand faltered in its movements in jiyong’s hair, like he was so shocked he physically recoiled at jiyong’s words. and that was true. seunghyun didn’t know what to think. all he could feel was immense sadness, how long had jiyong felt like that? how long had jiyong not been able to see that seunghyun adored jiyong? how long had jiyong not been able to see that seunghyun was completely and totally in love with every little thing jiyong did? seunghyun loved jiyong like the plants that grew loved the sun, they needed this source of light and energy the same way seunghyun needed the little ball of joy that was his boyfriend. he thought jiyong _knew_ that, he thought he knew that seunghyun worshiped the ground jiyong walked on.

“baby, oh my baby.” seunghyun near whispered, his hand resuming its calming strokes in jiyong’s hair, “im so sorry, im so fucking sorry.”

“why are you sorry? i’m the one who should be sorry for letting you stay with me for so long.” jiyong’s small voice spoke out, cracking slightly.

“no jiyong. don’t you dare say that, i’m so sorry i didn’t realise you felt like this. i’m so sorry i didn’t tell you how much i love you every day, i’m so sorry i didn’t preach about your beauty, inside and out, more. i’m sorry that you think that way and that i’ve done nothing to stop it, because god jiyong i’ve never loved anyone more than i love you, you’re so wonderful and cute and talented and thoughtful and every breath you take is a blessing. i’m in love with everything about you, even these unwanted thoughts that have no place here.”

jiyong really didn’t know what to say now, thoughts were rushing through his head at a million miles per hour. did seunghyun mean that? or was he just saying it to shut jiyong up? did he pity jiyong or did he truly love him? was jiyong blind to seunghyun’s love towards him this whole time? was he the one not seeing the full picture? jiyong could now feel his breathing and heart rate matching the pace of the thoughts in his head, the panic that had been bubbling up inside his body for days had now reached its boiling point and was overflowing from his body and clouding his brain with nothing but white, blind panic.

seunghyun could see the signs of jiyong having a panic attack before jiyong even knew himself, he had witnessed the younger suffer through so many that it was practically second nature to him to know when jiyong was filled with utter panic. seunghyun was _always_ there for him.

“hey, hey jiyong, shhh baby” seunghyun softly spoke, his arms reaching to tightly wrap around the small, shaking frame, “ive got you, you can do this yeah? you’ll be okay, just try to breathe nice and slow for me, okay darling?”

seunghyun continued his ministrations of speaking soothing, sweet nothings into jiyongs ear, telling him that he’s okay and that seunghyun is right there and he’s not going anywhere and it will all be okay soon. and slowly but surely each of seunghyun’s loving words carefully made their way into jiyongs brain and picked away at the panic controlling him, getting rid of it piece by piece until jiyong was left feeling empty from panic and warm from love and care.

jiyong was still shaking slightly, and a small tear unknown to the beholder slid down his red cheeks every so often, but jiyong hadn’t felt happier than he did at this moment than he had in forever. he was in his boyfriend’s arms, his boyfriend who _loved_ him, and seunghyun was still stroking his hair and still whispering how brave and strong jiyong was into his ears.

“thank you.” jiyong croaked out after ten or so minutes of just letting his head rest on seunghyun’s chest.

“you don’t need to thank me for things i want to do, but you’re welcome sweetheart.”

jiyong looked at seunghyun properly for the first time that night, and was met by the sight of seunghyun looking back down at him, his expression sparkling with love and devotion to jiyong. jiyong looked into his boyfriend’s eyes, the depth in them feeling as if he had fallen into a rabbit hole not to be met with darkness and feat but with the most pure and precious kind of love.

“im sorry for saying all those things earlier, i’ve thought even worse. i just, i can’t _help_ it sometimes. like i don’t get how you, choi fucking seunghyun, could love me? and i’m sorry, i try my hardest to get over it but you know me i just worry and get stupid panic attacks, and i know i don’t deserve someone who puts up with my shit like you and i’m just sorry, like i don’t eve-“

jiyong was cut off by the press of seunghyun’s lips on his own, he could feel the small smile of seunghyun’s as they softly kissed, the kiss somehow sucking out the remaining fear from inside his body.

“i know jiyong, but don’t worry. we’ll get through this together yeah? you and me, the dream team,” seunghyun smirked, and jiyong answered with a small giggle, “just you have to tell me these things next time, don’t keep them all bottled up inside you and wait for them to explode and cause unnecessary pain, i love you jiyong and i want to know all your worries, that are just worries okay and far from the truth.”

jiyong grinned, he was so lucky to have seunghyun. no, his doubts and fears were not all going to go away instantly – of course they weren’t – but this was a start, jiyong loved seunghyun more than he had ever loved anything in his entire life, he just needed to be reminded that the feelings were mutual and jiyong could love seunghyun freely, without warrant or restraint.

seunghyun was still the reason for jiyong’s happiness, his whole existence even, and seunghyun still sometimes would seem too good to be true, like a figment of jiyongs wrecked imagination coming to life. but healing takes time, and jiyong would heal with seunghyun by his side constantly reminding him that jiyong was not a withering flower but a beautiful flower basking in its spring glory, too beautiful to die and had admirers left and right. jiyong was seunghyun’s oxygen mask as much as seunghyun was jiyong’s lift support, the two needed each other and would remain to thrive of the other as well as create their own happiness. they _would_ work out, because they both deserved happiness as much as they deserved each other.

“i love you so much.”

“i love you too.”


End file.
